Friends....who needs them? I do.

This week as I drive to and from work each day (18 miles one way) I am listening to Anne Quindlen's book, Lots of Candles, Plenty of Cake. This memoir talks about friends, and specifically girlfriends, and it got me thinking about writing this new blog.

I could blog about a specific topic like some of my favorite bloggers - Jamie: The Very Worst Missionary or Emily: Love Woke Me Up this Morning or Pastor Mark: Thoughts of a Traveler. I could write about one idea or theme that I know something about (which in my never-to-be-humble-opinion could be any number of ideas : ). I could blog about my personal struggles, and hopefully I how I overcame them or at the very least lived through them. How boring would that be? I could blog about art, and my desire to create. I could blog through a cookbook like Julie and Julia, but that has already been done, and besides I love food too much already. I could blog about my travels, and living in other countries, but not everyone can relate to that, although I am sure that I will talk about that occasionally. 

I could blog about the news, and there has been some exciting stuff happening in our neighborhood. Yesterday alone, there was news that Jackie Waller's body had finally been found on some island in Illinois, almost exactly 2 years from the date of her disappearance, and there was a multiple homicide on our street, albeit about 6 or 7 blocks north and across a major intersection. It's a little unsettling to see the news scream: Homicide on West Cape Rock Drive, without giving you a house number to see if you know who it was.

Today I am thinking about friends - how delicate and tenuous some friendships are and how surprisingly strong other friendships are. How sometimes you get to be the needy friend and sometimes you have to be the strong friend. How men and women view friends differently. How I feel the need to have girlfriends, for coffee (tea truthfully), shopping, talking and my husband needs riding buddies. How I choose my friends, and how hard you have to work at friendships sometimes. How even when people get together for a common purpose and you can know them, if they are not involved in your personal life, they are not really "friends".

I am not the easiest friend in the world to have. I know that. I am opinionated, I have too much advice to give, and I have some crazy ideas. On the other hand, I am loyal, I cannot hold a grudge to save my life, and I have some wonderful ideas. And if you are in crisis or need help, I will spring to action faster than Wonder Woman.

There are three women in my life whose friendship has been consistent over time. I treasure them all for different reasons. 1 - K is my oldest friend, and while she has just married for the first time in her 50's, we have had a unique "sisterly" connection for over 25 years. We have walked through many sorrows and many joys. We have cried on each other's shoulders, and laughed ourselves silly with a glasses of wine. I admire her continual sense of wonder. 2 - N became my friend because she was hiding her fabulous paintings in her underwear drawer and she did not realize she had any talent. She is now a true artist in her own right and I proudly hang two of her paintings on my living room wall. I love the creative side of her - she inspires me. 3 - J was my neighbor who moved away and stayed a friend. We got to know each other by walking 3-5 miles almost every day for a few years with our dogs, in any kind of weather, talking and talking and talking. J is the best listener in the world and she remembers everything. She is a challenging friend in the best way; she challenges me to think and to see the world in a way I never have seen it before. Then there is my sister, L, who has become a good friend because of texting. She is a busy professional woman who does not email or FB, but we can talk briefly through a text and stay connected through difficult times. I admire her strength in adversity.

Even with these great friends, none of whom live close to me, I often feel lonely. Men do not seem to need or cultivate these kinds of friendships, or at the very least seem to view friendship as something different that women do. Husbands and wives can be "best friends" but the relationship is different, and truthfully, I know that I talk differently with my girlfriends than I do with my husband. He is my rock, my safe place in this world, and my encourager. I am his lover, his organizer, and his companion. The girlfriends are my balancers, my audience, my supporters and hopefully I am that for them. Three women in my town have become good friends but because of busy schedules, it is hard work getting together. Thank God for texting!

The older I get the more I realize that friends are more important than I dreamed when I was in my 20's and 30's. If you are a woman reading this, and you are young enough to develop lifelong friendships, do so thoughtfully and consciously. If you are a man reading this, recognize that you need friends too. And if anyone needs a new friend, well, leave a comment, you just never know...... 

 

So sorry.. But it came to pass.....

 If I have offended anyone in the past year, I am sorry and I apologize.

My favorite Bible verse this year is Matthew 26:1 "And it came to pass..." By the way, that phrase, "and it came to pass..." is used 396 times in the King James translation of the Bible. Why is this my favorite? Because it did not come to stay.

This past year, since last June, has been an extremely difficult year for our family in so very many different ways that I cannot and will not describe here. Suffice it to say, this has been the year from you know where....okay, I will say it....the year from hell.

When I was nineteen, I almost died without knowing why. Only because I pushed a car out of a ditch were the doctors able to diagnose my life-threatening congenital heart defect and give me a new plastic aorta through open-heart surgery.

I would have that horrible surgery all over again just to take out all the bad parts of the last year...and throw them back to you know where. Don't make me say it again.

So I am apologizing to all the people who know me to say that if I was curt, short, snappy, argumentative, stressed, rude, forgetful, or anything else in that vicinity, I am so sorry if I offended you in any way. I have cried, yelled, screamed, wept bitter tears, panicked, paced, and some days put on a plastic public face. Most of that I have done behind closed doors, occasionally on a friend's shoulder, more often in my husband's arms, or on the road in my car. My dog Cleo has just quietly shadowed me without being overly affectionate, knowing somehow my boundaries for her needs this year.

Canadians (and Canada is where I was born), have a tendency to say "I'm sorry", instead of "Excuse me" like the Americans do. There is almost an inherent tendency in our frozen DNA to apologize for existing. I know this drives some of my American friends up the wall, but Canadians have it down to an art form. In fact, one relative (through marriage) was so upset, because I said "I apologize..." for whatever I had done, again! instead of saying "I am sorry..." that she did not talk to me for two years. Or was it the other way around? I forget now, but either way, I was wrong and I had not verbally atoned enough to satisfy her wronged soul.

In my work, I deal with hurt people, victims of crime, many with painful stories that tear me up inside. If nothing else, this past year has helped me look beyond their crude language, their acting out, their vulgar attitudes, to try to see the hurting person underneath. Sometimes I find one, and sometimes I don't. If I do, then I can use my knowledge and experience of how I felt with my terrible year to encourage them to do the next right thing, to make good decisions that will affect their lives and even the lives of their children. My psychologist friend will say that I am talking to myself and I most probably am.

So it came to pass. June 15 is hopefully the end of the worst year of my life....I am hoping for some really really good news on that day. Someone I love will have a great new job OR I will get a raise OR Someone will discover me as an artist or a writer and will offer me to travel all expenses paid while I get to do something wildly creative for them OR a huge amount of money will come in to fund the schools in Malawi and Zambia that I am working with OR my family will just have a wonderfully quiet peaceful year. No drama, no tragedies, no life-threatening illnesses, no crimes, no fortunes lost, no loss of jobs. Just quiet zen-like peace.

If that doesn't happen, I am truly sorry.