My favorite Bible verse this year is Matthew 26:1 "And it came to pass..." By the way, that phrase, "and it came to pass..." is used 396 times in the King James translation of the Bible. Why is this my favorite? Because it did not come to stay.
This past year, since last June, has been an extremely difficult year for our family in so very many different ways that I cannot and will not describe here. Suffice it to say, this has been the year from you know where....okay, I will say it....the year from hell.
When I was nineteen, I almost died without knowing why. Only because I pushed a car out of a ditch were the doctors able to diagnose my life-threatening congenital heart defect and give me a new plastic aorta through open-heart surgery.
I would have that horrible surgery all over again just to take out all the bad parts of the last year...and throw them back to you know where. Don't make me say it again.
So I am apologizing to all the people who know me to say that if I was curt, short, snappy, argumentative, stressed, rude, forgetful, or anything else in that vicinity, I am so sorry if I offended you in any way. I have cried, yelled, screamed, wept bitter tears, panicked, paced, and some days put on a plastic public face. Most of that I have done behind closed doors, occasionally on a friend's shoulder, more often in my husband's arms, or on the road in my car. My dog Cleo has just quietly shadowed me without being overly affectionate, knowing somehow my boundaries for her needs this year.
Canadians (and Canada is where I was born), have a tendency to say "I'm sorry", instead of "Excuse me" like the Americans do. There is almost an inherent tendency in our frozen DNA to apologize for existing. I know this drives some of my American friends up the wall, but Canadians have it down to an art form. In fact, one relative (through marriage) was so upset, because I said "I apologize..." for whatever I had done, again! instead of saying "I am sorry..." that she did not talk to me for two years. Or was it the other way around? I forget now, but either way, I was wrong and I had not verbally atoned enough to satisfy her wronged soul.
In my work, I deal with hurt people, victims of crime, many with painful stories that tear me up inside. If nothing else, this past year has helped me look beyond their crude language, their acting out, their vulgar attitudes, to try to see the hurting person underneath. Sometimes I find one, and sometimes I don't. If I do, then I can use my knowledge and experience of how I felt with my terrible year to encourage them to do the next right thing, to make good decisions that will affect their lives and even the lives of their children. My psychologist friend will say that I am talking to myself and I most probably am.
So it came to pass. June 15 is hopefully the end of the worst year of my life....I am hoping for some really really good news on that day. Someone I love will have a great new job OR I will get a raise OR Someone will discover me as an artist or a writer and will offer me to travel all expenses paid while I get to do something wildly creative for them OR a huge amount of money will come in to fund the schools in Malawi and Zambia that I am working with OR my family will just have a wonderfully quiet peaceful year. No drama, no tragedies, no life-threatening illnesses, no crimes, no fortunes lost, no loss of jobs. Just quiet zen-like peace.
If that doesn't happen, I am truly sorry.
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