My Inner Children......

My inner child flares up every now and then, and embarrasses the heck out of me.

I want to love that inner child, but she is such a rascal. She just spits out words without a filter (even though she is a 58 year old child). Sometimes she pouts and that ain't pretty at all. Mostly she does behave and just sits and reads but the times she comes out with full force, I just want to take her across my knee.

She says, "I don't want to play nice when people take away my toys in the sandbox...When the big kids are mean...stick their tongue out at me...or throw sand in my face...or just don't like me."

After her outburst, I tell her that I understand, and I try to teach her how to deal with them big kids. I let her know that she is loved, but sometimes that does not make a bit of difference to that little red-haired stepchild. She just ain't havin' none of it. (Notice how she has acquired a bit of a southern accent too?)

When I see her appear, I cringe on one level, and yet admire her spunk on another. She wants life to be fair, and does not understand that there is no such thing. She wants to be heard, be noticed, be made a fuss of, and in her childish naiveté does not understand that life does not revolve around her and that other people have things they are dealing with too. Which means they do not understand the stresses you are dealing with either.

Yesterday, the red-headed girl came out strong when I was trying to have a very adult discussion about the future of some important work. She wiggled and squirmed her way into the conversation and soon she interrupted with her fears and frustrations. I know she just wanted the other people to love her, accept her, and listen to her, but she never comes across that way. She just seems pushy and frankly, rather annoying.

So if you happen to meet that little girl, who looks a lot like I used to, then just give her a hug. Sometimes that is enough to make her go quietly and read her book for awhile.
 

Friends....who needs them? I do.

This week as I drive to and from work each day (18 miles one way) I am listening to Anne Quindlen's book, Lots of Candles, Plenty of Cake. This memoir talks about friends, and specifically girlfriends, and it got me thinking about writing this new blog.

I could blog about a specific topic like some of my favorite bloggers - Jamie: The Very Worst Missionary or Emily: Love Woke Me Up this Morning or Pastor Mark: Thoughts of a Traveler. I could write about one idea or theme that I know something about (which in my never-to-be-humble-opinion could be any number of ideas : ). I could blog about my personal struggles, and hopefully I how I overcame them or at the very least lived through them. How boring would that be? I could blog about art, and my desire to create. I could blog through a cookbook like Julie and Julia, but that has already been done, and besides I love food too much already. I could blog about my travels, and living in other countries, but not everyone can relate to that, although I am sure that I will talk about that occasionally. 

I could blog about the news, and there has been some exciting stuff happening in our neighborhood. Yesterday alone, there was news that Jackie Waller's body had finally been found on some island in Illinois, almost exactly 2 years from the date of her disappearance, and there was a multiple homicide on our street, albeit about 6 or 7 blocks north and across a major intersection. It's a little unsettling to see the news scream: Homicide on West Cape Rock Drive, without giving you a house number to see if you know who it was.

Today I am thinking about friends - how delicate and tenuous some friendships are and how surprisingly strong other friendships are. How sometimes you get to be the needy friend and sometimes you have to be the strong friend. How men and women view friends differently. How I feel the need to have girlfriends, for coffee (tea truthfully), shopping, talking and my husband needs riding buddies. How I choose my friends, and how hard you have to work at friendships sometimes. How even when people get together for a common purpose and you can know them, if they are not involved in your personal life, they are not really "friends".

I am not the easiest friend in the world to have. I know that. I am opinionated, I have too much advice to give, and I have some crazy ideas. On the other hand, I am loyal, I cannot hold a grudge to save my life, and I have some wonderful ideas. And if you are in crisis or need help, I will spring to action faster than Wonder Woman.

There are three women in my life whose friendship has been consistent over time. I treasure them all for different reasons. 1 - K is my oldest friend, and while she has just married for the first time in her 50's, we have had a unique "sisterly" connection for over 25 years. We have walked through many sorrows and many joys. We have cried on each other's shoulders, and laughed ourselves silly with a glasses of wine. I admire her continual sense of wonder. 2 - N became my friend because she was hiding her fabulous paintings in her underwear drawer and she did not realize she had any talent. She is now a true artist in her own right and I proudly hang two of her paintings on my living room wall. I love the creative side of her - she inspires me. 3 - J was my neighbor who moved away and stayed a friend. We got to know each other by walking 3-5 miles almost every day for a few years with our dogs, in any kind of weather, talking and talking and talking. J is the best listener in the world and she remembers everything. She is a challenging friend in the best way; she challenges me to think and to see the world in a way I never have seen it before. Then there is my sister, L, who has become a good friend because of texting. She is a busy professional woman who does not email or FB, but we can talk briefly through a text and stay connected through difficult times. I admire her strength in adversity.

Even with these great friends, none of whom live close to me, I often feel lonely. Men do not seem to need or cultivate these kinds of friendships, or at the very least seem to view friendship as something different that women do. Husbands and wives can be "best friends" but the relationship is different, and truthfully, I know that I talk differently with my girlfriends than I do with my husband. He is my rock, my safe place in this world, and my encourager. I am his lover, his organizer, and his companion. The girlfriends are my balancers, my audience, my supporters and hopefully I am that for them. Three women in my town have become good friends but because of busy schedules, it is hard work getting together. Thank God for texting!

The older I get the more I realize that friends are more important than I dreamed when I was in my 20's and 30's. If you are a woman reading this, and you are young enough to develop lifelong friendships, do so thoughtfully and consciously. If you are a man reading this, recognize that you need friends too. And if anyone needs a new friend, well, leave a comment, you just never know......